For some reason today I feel overwhelmed with too many emotions to count. One of them being shame that I haven't written - anything - in a very long time. I never thought I'd see the day that I run out of time to do the things I love; writing, drawing, scrap-booking... or maybe I just don't make the time..
I've learned a lot in the past year and five months. God has put me in a position where I have to grow up at a faster pace than what I would desire. He gave me my husband at the age of 14 and had us get married as soon as possible (try a week after my 18th birthday.) Do I regret it? Absolutely not. I was terrified though - marrying a man that I had only met in person twice in 4-5 day periods... moving with him and his family to a little city in Georgia, and being 1,200 miles away from what I called home the majority of my life. I know for a fact people thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. I knew I was being obedient to God and that was more important to me than anything else. I didn't need to know what He was doing or why He was doing it, I just knew that He knew what was best for me.
The second I arrived in Georgia I knew my life would never be the same - in a good way. And it did change for the better, no doubt about it. I was with the man of my dreams, the one that I waited for and saved myself for for 3.5 years. Little did I know it was the beginning of a whole new journey. A journey that required me to learn, A LOT. Two months after we got married, I learned to drive. I learned how to sing in front of a large group of people - I was singing the national anthem for a dirt-bike racing event every other Sunday. Once I got my license I was paying for my own insurance and learning the responsibilities of having a car. Seven months after we got married I found out I was pregnant. Two months after that I was in my first car accident, which then forced me to learn how to deal with insurance companies (not fun. At all.) Then almost a month after that, we lost our baby, which forced me to learn how to grieve. About two months after that, I got my first job working as a waitress in a Mexican restaurant. Now, I am still working at that restaurant and I am 22 weeks pregnant. Through the midst of it all, I still believe I am the happiest girl in the world. I'm thankful for the new experiences and everything that I've learned. I'm glad that He is teaching me to be responsible and mature.
What am I trying to say? I'm just confused. I think it's normal sometimes even for God's people to ask "why?" I find myself asking Him why He expects so much of me. I'm honored to a certain degree that He feels I'm strong enough to handle all that I've been through so far, but by the same token, it's hard. I don't like feeling like He's just throwing all these challenges at me to see what I'm going to do and how I'm going to handle it. I don't like feeling like He's not listening. As excited as I am about having this baby, I'm scared to death. I am still learning how to be a good wife, how does He expect me to be a good mother? Why am I having to learn something new before I'm done learning what He was trying to teach me before? I'm not complaining, I just simply don't understand. I feel like I fail every test He gives me lately. I find myself asking Him a lot, "Why me?" Not in a victim mentality, but rather, why did He choose ME to do all these things? Why does He have such a huge purpose for ME? I'm just an average person/sinner like everyone else. What does He see in me that I don't see in myself? Although I've grown so much, I still feel like a baby in so many ways. I feel like there's still so much that I don't know. All I know is I have a long journey ahead of me, and I must be ready for it if He's leading me in that direction. I know I need to jump off the edge. The worst I can do is fall - and even if I do, He will catch me. I know He will catch me.
