The Truth-Day 4: Something You Have to Forgive Someone Else For

As I think really hard about this writing topic... I can honestly say I don't have any unforgiveness towards anyone. I used to hold grudges because I thought it would make me feel better. But I've learned that forgiveness not only frees the person who has wronged you, but it frees YOU. No matter how much people try to deny it, having the desire to plot revenge towards someone is not a good feeling. "Two wrongs don't make a right..." ..."Fire with fire just makes a bigger fire..." both are true. When you answer cursing with kindness, you get a much better outcome than doing the same thing someone else did to you. It just doesn't accomplish anything. That's why I don't understand how people can hold unforgiveness towards someone, especially for a long period of time. It slowly but surely kills you inside.

I have recently had to forgive a lot of people - people that I'm close to (or thought I was close to) and I love with all my heart. I feel a new sense of freedom, and a new love for these particular people. Jesus talks so much about the importance of love and forgiveness, and if only we, meaning the body of Christ, took these things more seriously. I struggle with it myself, until I realize that hatred and unforgiveness have no reward in the Kingdom of Heaven.

The Truth - Day 3: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I'm pretty sure I've forgiven myself for most everything I've done wrong in my life. Even if I haven't, I've asked God to forgive me and in my opinion, that's enough. I haven't seen where it says to forgive yourself in the Bible. But in some cases I do it anyways so that I don't beat myself up for the mistakes I've made.

In saying that, I have to forgive myself on a weekly basis. I'm always going to make mistakes and disappoint people. Not that I enjoy disappointing people - in fact, I hate it more than anything else. I've heard that it is common for the eldest child to be a perfectionist. In my case, this is true. I expect more out of myself than I do anyone else and when I don't meet up to my own expectations, I come down pretty hard on myself. It makes me happy when I can make others happy, so when I make others upset or disappointed, I get such a yucky feeling inside - like I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out until they're happy again. And even though I know people I've disappointed have forgiven me, I still find myself thinking "I can't believe I did that" or "Why did I say that?"

Other than that, there is nothing in particular that I need to forgive myself for. I just need to realize that He will always love me and no matter how many mistakes I make, He will never leave me or forsake me.

The Truth-Day 2: Something You Love About Yourself

I wouldn't exactly say "I love myself." I respect myself and I know I'm worth something; I'm obviously worth dying for, because Jesus died for me! But I do not like or love myself - I love the God in me (the Spirit.) I would be nothing without God. Without God I would be selfish, inconsiderate, hypocritical, and very angry. It's because of His love and His Spirit within me that I am not those things - at least 90% of the time.
Here are some things I can think of off the top of my head that I'm thankful God has given me:

• Discernment. I'm usually pretty good at descerning whether something is good or bad. I've made mistakes, obviously, but most of the time I know a wise decision from a foolish one, and a trustworthy person from a non-trustworthy person. I have been told that I have a very sensitive Spirit, and that it's a good thing.
• Lovingness/Kindness. I have a love for everyone, whether I've met them or not. As a follower of Jesus Christ, I need to love my neighbors as myself (Mark 12:31). The word "neighbor" to me doesn't just refer to people who live near me. It means everyone. Because God created everyone, we are all brothers and sisters. Not all people believe this, but I do, therefore I love everybody as my brother or sister.
• My talents. I get complimented a lot on my talents. I don't like to call them mine, because they came from God, but I guess they are mine because it is my decision to use them or not. Growing up, I always thought my only talent was drawing. Singing has always been (and kind of still is) a hidden talent of mine. I'm extremely shy, so I don't exactly prefer to sing in front of certain people. I have come out of my box a lot though since I've been married to someone who loves my singing. I also write, whether it's journaling, blogging, songwriting, and sometimes even poetry (although most of my poems turn into songs. What can I say? I love music!) I suppose scrapbooking could be considered another talent, but to me it's more of a hobby. Whether they are hobbies or talents - I plan on using them for His glory.
• My husband. Other than my God and Savior, my husband is the best thing about me. He makes me a better person and inspires me more than anyone else. I don't consider him my "other half", he is my other whole. God makes us both complete, so we are two wholes coming together in one body and spirit (Genesis 2:24). Because we are one, my positive characteristics are doubled because he has the same positive characteristics, and even more.

Here is a good closing statement: "We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them." -1 John 4:16 NLT

The Truth-Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

Hate is such a strong word. I don't "hate" anything; hate is of the devil. However, I do strongly dislike some things about myself - things that I constantly have to pray for God to deal with. They may be small things to others but for me, they're a big deal. Generational curses, past events, and the like. Whatever the cause, my God can handle anything.
Anyway, here are a few things:

• My frustration level. I have next to no patience with certain things, and it won't take me very long to get frustrated. Slow computers are a good example, ESPECIALLY when I'm in a hurry. I've actually learned how to talk to the computer in a way that calms me down (LOL). It's almost as if I am talking to an animal or a small child... "Come on, you can do it, that's a good boy."
• Jealousy. Need I say more?
• Shyness. I am unbelievably shy. Ever since I was little I was always scared to say anything in fear of making myself look/sound stupid. Unfortunately, it has affected my ability to say something simple like "I love you" (again, in fear of not getting an "I love you" back.) I've learned that people need to know that I love them, whether they want to say it back or not. It has also affected my ability to ask if someone needs help with something, so then I end up looking like I don't want to help. I've gotten better at this as well, but I still struggle with it, and I wish it would go away. I want to stay humble, but I don't want to be too quiet; this has enabled people to walk all over me and I'm tired of that.
• My fingers. I know that sounds strange. I am loose-jointed in my fingers, which is cool to others but annoying to me. I cannot spread out my fingers and have them be straight. They are straight every other time, just not when I spread them out. I feel like E.T.

I try not to dwell so much on the things I don't like about myself - I just humbly ask God that He would work on these things. Okay, He made my fingers the way they are for a reason... I'm talking about the important stuff. I know most people would say "Those things aren't that big of a deal", but being angry isn't good and neither is being jealous. Shyness wouldn't be that bad if it didn't get me into so much trouble. But the Bible says I am the Righteousness of God in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21), the Temple of the Living God (2 Corinthians 6:16), and a dearly loved daughter of the Most High (2 Corinthians 6:18.) Knowing these things, why would I want to put myself down?

Day 31: Epilogue: Write a Letter to Yourself.

Dear Katrina,

You've come a long way. I don't think I tell you enough that I'm proud of you. Ever since you were a teenager, you contemplated giving up on your dreams because you thought you were just going to fail anyway. You thought all the cool kids in school were going to end up better than you and you were just a loser. Well, I guess you were wrong. God has had His hand on your life the whole time, and He had so much better for you than you would have ever imagined. Why do you act so schocked all the time? I often hear you say, "Why me?" Why not you? You are a child of the Most High and He loves you with all His heart, why WOULDN'T He bless you as much as He has? Being humble is great, and pleasing to Him - don't change that. But guess what? You're not in school anymore. You don't have to deal with the "popular kids" anymore, you have better things to worry about! Your husband thinks you are the best thing since peanut butter! What could be better than that? You did what God wanted you to do, so quit worrying about what others think of you. Why do you feel so small all the time? There's nothing wrong with being confident, you know. You are so loved and appreciated, probably more than you think. And for Heaven's sake quit being so afraid to love people! If you feel the urge to hug someone, do it! If you feel the need to tell someone you love them, say it!

Sometimes, I just can't stand you. I love you, but you frustrate me. I guess I shouldn't be that way, because after all, God loves you. He sees you as a princess, an angel, His precious baby girl. I know I need to quit being so hard on you all the time, after all, everyone makes mistakes.

But I will say this: You are a big girl now. Act like one.

God put you here for a reason, don't forget that. You're still adjusting to your new life, so stop panicking because you haven't written a song in 6 months. And when you do write another song, make it a happy one! I know you're happier than you've ever been, don't be afraid to show it! You're not offending anyone! Even if you are, they'll learn to deal with it ;)

Love,
Katrina
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