Been too long. I need to write.

For some reason today I feel overwhelmed with too many emotions to count. One of them being shame that I haven't written - anything - in a very long time. I never thought I'd see the day that I run out of time to do the things I love; writing, drawing, scrap-booking... or maybe I just don't make the time..

I've learned a lot in the past year and five months. God has put me in a position where I have to grow up at a faster pace than what I would desire. He gave me my husband at the age of 14 and had us get married as soon as possible (try a week after my 18th birthday.) Do I regret it? Absolutely not. I was terrified though - marrying a man that I had only met in person twice in 4-5 day periods... moving with him and his family to a little city in Georgia, and being 1,200 miles away from what I called home the majority of my life. I know for a fact people thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. I knew I was being obedient to God and that was more important to me than anything else. I didn't need to know what He was doing or why He was doing it, I just knew that He knew what was best for me.

The second I arrived in Georgia I knew my life would never be the same - in a good way. And it did change for the better, no doubt about it. I was with the man of my dreams, the one that I waited for and saved myself for for 3.5 years. Little did I know it was the beginning of a whole new journey. A journey that required me to learn, A LOT. Two months after we got married, I learned to drive. I learned how to sing in front of a large group of people - I was singing the national anthem for a dirt-bike racing event every other Sunday. Once I got my license I was paying for my own insurance and learning the responsibilities of having a car. Seven months after we got married I found out I was pregnant. Two months after that I was in my first car accident, which then forced me to learn how to deal with insurance companies (not fun. At all.) Then almost a month after that, we lost our baby, which forced me to learn how to grieve. About two months after that, I got my first job working as a waitress in a Mexican restaurant. Now, I am still working at that restaurant and I am 22 weeks pregnant. Through the midst of it all, I still believe I am the happiest girl in the world. I'm thankful for the new experiences and everything that I've learned. I'm glad that He is teaching me to be responsible and mature.

What am I trying to say? I'm just confused. I think it's normal sometimes even for God's people to ask "why?" I find myself asking Him why He expects so much of me. I'm honored to a certain degree that He feels I'm strong enough to handle all that I've been through so far, but by the same token, it's hard. I don't like feeling like He's just throwing all these challenges at me to see what I'm going to do and how I'm going to handle it. I don't like feeling like He's not listening. As excited as I am about having this baby, I'm scared to death. I am still learning how to be a good wife, how does He expect me to be a good mother? Why am I having to learn something new before I'm done learning what He was trying to teach me before? I'm not complaining, I just simply don't understand. I feel like I fail every test He gives me lately. I find myself asking Him a lot, "Why me?" Not in a victim mentality, but rather, why did He choose ME to do all these things? Why does He have such a huge purpose for ME? I'm just an average person/sinner like everyone else. What does He see in me that I don't see in myself? Although I've grown so much, I still feel like a baby in so many ways. I feel like there's still so much that I don't know. All I know is I have a long journey ahead of me, and I must be ready for it if He's leading me in that direction. I know I need to jump off the edge. The worst I can do is fall - and even if I do, He will catch me. I know He will catch me.

The Truth-Day 12: Something You Never Get Complimented On

I can't really think of anything I "never" get complimented on, but there are things I hardly get complimented on. Some of these things include:

• My intelligence/education level. I'm not saying I'm stupid or anything but I never really was good in school so I understand why I don't get these compliments very often.
• My choice of fashion. I'm usually pretty casual when it comes to clothing, unless I feel like dressing up. So, once again, I get it :)
• My cooking. I'm still a newbie at it :) My husband likes everything I make and appreciates it, and has never had anything negative to say about what I cook, but it's not like, "Wow!! That was an AMAZING meal!" I don't necessarily need that. I'd rather have him be honest with me anyways.

That's all I can think of at the top of my head. I'm humbled to be able to say that there aren't many things I don't get complimented on. That makes me really thankful for who I am and who He has created me to be :)

The Truth-Day 11: Something People Seem to Compliment you the Most On

My eyes, for sure. I'm not sure why, because they don't seem like that big of a deal to me. I guess it's the fact that they're blue and I have long, dark, and thick eyelashes. I get the every-so-often "You're so pretty!" Or indirect compliments - when Karl is introducing me to someone and they say I'm cute, sweet, and the like. I get complimented on my art work, or my singing voice. The ones who know me really well compliment me on my ability to discern (or "sensitive Spirit" as they call it), and my wisdom.

A good friend recently gave me probably one of the best compliments I'd ever received, which was the fact that I am so young, yet so mature in the Lord. She told me she was amazed that I have the ability to lean on Him during hard times and trust in Him when I don't understand why certain things happen (such as, the loss of my baby.) That particular compliment made me so thankful that He chose me and has brought me to this point in my walk with Him. It's neat to be able to say that I might be a "naive, silly 18-year-old" in others' eyes, but His anointing is on me and He has given me a wisdom that I cannot explain. I believe in my heart that He is the reason why I'm pretty, sweet, and smart to other people, because whether they know it or not, they are really seeing Him and His glory, and I'm so humbled to be a reflection of that.

As I write, this verse comes to mind: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." -1 Peter 3:3-4

Because of this verse, I believe that outward beauty is often a reflection of the Spirit and/or heart. God's hand has been in my life from the beginning so it would be wrong for me to take the credit. It is because of His anointing and His Spirit inside me that I'm beautiful.

The Truth-Day 10: Someone You Need to Let Go of, or Wish you Didn't Know

I'm obviously not going to name any names, being this is a public blogging site.

Quite honestly though, I can't think of anyone that I "need to let go of" and I definitely don't wish to not know someone. I have a different definition of "letting go." Letting go of people, to me, means to surrender them to the Lord; to let Him deal with them and tell me if they should be in my life or not. Because if it were up to me, everyone would be my friend. Unfortunately, I can be very easily influenced, and if someone is leading me down the wrong path or influencing me in a negative way, I shouldn't be hanging around them. Nor should I let others walk all over me and use me, which I have also been a victim of. I believe everyone who has been in my life and is currently in my life is there for a reason. The people who were in my life and aren't anymore - it's okay, because to me that means they weren't supposed to be in my current life (unless it was my fault they walked away.) It's dangerous to hold onto people with white knuckles, because if they do end up walking out of your life, you're going to experience very deep pain! Some people are meant to stay in your life forever, others only for a season. My husband is someone who will be in my life forever. Why? Because he's my husband, and we've made a covenant with God to stay together forever no matter what, the way marriage should be. As far as anyone else, I don't know, because I don't know what God's plans are. We are not garunteed one day, so I don't know when God will choose to take them or take me for that matter. There are people that I really want to stay in my life forever, but God knows what's best for me more than I do.

And there's no one in my life that I've ever wished I didn't know. So far, it has been a privilege to know everyone I have met. There may be people I like more than others, but I never think to myself Gosh, I wish I never even knew this person. It's pointless, because even if I did feel that way about someone, I can't go back and change it!

The Truth-Day 9: Someone You Didn't Want to Let Go, But They Drifted

I've had a lot of people like this in my life, but the one that mattered the most to me was my best friend from middle school. But the "drifting" was not on her part. For the longest time, she was all I had - then Karl came along. That same year, my parents decided to home-school me (I wanted to be home-schooled) which made it harder to see each other and keep in contact because we went to the same school. Me and Karl's relationship grew stronger and more serious so I made more time for him therefore less time for my friend. I kept pushing her away because of my own personal assumptions and other things that I don't feel like going into detail about, but needless to say, I feel almost 100% responsible for our drifting apart.

Oh but we still do talk. And when we do talk, it's a lot and it's always meaningful and fun. We still have such a special bond that I believe will never be broken. I love her to the moon and back and besides Karl, she is still the best friend I have ever had! :)