Ashes

Have any horrible memories that keep haunting you? Any old journals or letters that express any pain you went through? My mom did, she had journals upon journals of notes and poems that described her pain and disturbing events. But when her and my dad got together, they went to a camping sight and burned those journals and notes. Now all that's left is the ashes. That's how I feel about Karl (yes, we're back together, will tell about it later). I'm tired of those scary memories creeping up on me and then taking me by surprise and letting them have a hold on me for a long period of time. I just want to leave it all behind and Karl has been a big help in that area of my life. Here's a song I wrote about it.

Ashes

it's too late to look back
and see what could have changed
only you can see that
the memories drive me insane

you look in my eyes
and see the leftover pain
but i look in the sky
and see the ashes blow away
you look in my heart
and see the leftover scars
but i no longer hurt
if i am where you are

it's too late to regret
and say i was not right
it's too hard to forget
what kept me up most nights

you look in my eyes
and see my hindered tears
but i look in your eyes
and see your love is clear
you look in my heart
and see that it's still sore
but i no longer hurt
if i am in your warmth

these notes of misery
letters of distress
are thrown into the flames
where they will forever rest
these pictures of sorrow
and journals of shame
are left here where only
the ashes remain

for you i will let go
of all the tragic incidents
only you will know
of the memories' remnants

here the ashes lay
in a finished, perfect pile
now i will walk away
with a smile

Our Body~His Temple

Pain. Fear. Misery. Loneliness. These things can lead to a feeling of desperation. Sometimes you just feel trapped in your own confusion, and you yearn for unusual, scary things. You get to the point where you don't know what to do, or how to help yourself, and you have a negative outlook on life. So then what happens?

When you don't care about yourself, it can lead to being used as a sex object, doing drugs, or harming yourself - or even all of the above. For me, it was self harm. I cared about my virginity and wasn't ready for sex - emotionally or physically. So I wasn't going to just sleep around. I've never been into drugs and was never interested in them. So what did I do? You got it, I cut myself. How come I harmed myself when that's strictly prohibited in the Bible, but didn't give my body away? Doesn't make much sense, does it? The main reason: I was raised my whole life believing in saving virginity until marriage. I had only read about 'taking care of our bodies' one time. But also - I wanted REAL love - not one night of guilty pleasure.

Why did I carve a heart into my leg? Yes, I jabbed a heart into my leg with a pin and re-traced it every night for about a week. I made it bleed about 3 times. But why did I do it? Because I had been through so much in one month. I couldn't handle the stress on top of the chaos of my everyday life. Too much was going on at one time, and it was going by so fast - so fast that I didn't even have the time to feel anything. I could not identify any of my emotions, not one. I felt numb, like I couldn't feel anything because so many feelings and emotions were shot at me in such little time. So instead of being patient and trying to let each emotion soak in so I could identify it and fix it - I gave myself a feeling I could easily comprehend - pain. Better yet, it was physical. Not emotional. And that was more tolerable than the emotional pain. It was my re-assurance that I really COULD feel, that I hadn't been shot by novicane. I WAS NOT NUMB and that's all I wanted to know. But once I jumped back into reality - it became my escape, my escape from heartache.

Did it hurt? Yes, it did. It stung so bad I almost started screaming. But it felt good at the same time. When I drew blood, I became terrified, yet, I didn't stop. I couldn't. The blood was the pain being set free. I wanted to bleed more so I could let more hurt and pain flow out of my body. What made it better was the tears - I had never cried so hard in my life. So everything was being set free in two different ways: Crying & cutting. But after those days of painful pleasure, a knew feeling developed in me, and I could identify that one, also - guilt. I knew I had done something wrong but wasn't quite sure why I felt that way. A few days later - I remembered. I remembered what I had read in the Bible about how we must take care of ourselves because our bodies are His temple and we were made in His image. I just felt sick, and I became even more upset with myself. I realized that I had let the devil take over me. What I did to myself was evil. I begged God for forgiveness and apologized more times than I could count. After that, I was able to resist the temptation, even when things seemed worse than they were when I slit myself. I learned how to solve my problems in a more Godly manner - and I don't want to damage His temple anymore. I want to please Him, and I know He cares about me and doesn't like seeing me in pain - emotional or physical. I know how to give all my emotions to Him - whether I can identify them or not.

But why a heart, you may ask? Why did I choose to engrave a heart into my leg, instead of just engraving various lines, like most other people do? Well, I didn't know what love was, and I wanted to know. I wanted to feel love - whatever that was. I wanted it so bad that I decided to engrave love's symbol into my skin. But then I realized that a heart isn't love's REAL symbol - the cross is. What is Love? GOD is love. And love is God. Love comes directly from God because He first loved us - even before the beginning of time. He died on the corss so our sins may be forgiven and we may spend eternal life with Him. If that's not love, then I don't know what it is. This heart on my leg isn't going away any time soon - I'm basically scarred for life now. When I look at it, it reminds me of the trauma I went through, it makes me feel guilty & ashamed, but it also lets me remember that God's love is written all over my heart. The scar isn't going away - and neither is Jesus. That whole experience was just a lesson learned. The past is forgiven, and so am I. I now know that harming myself isn't the answer to anything, and it's not gonna take away any pain - instead it will give you guilt & shame.

Song/Poem

Poem/song I wrote. No title. Just a bunch of rhymie words. Hope you like.

how i long to feel your love again
the love that never died
and though you're still my best friend
i cry for you at night

cuz i still see your beating heart
in the stillness of my pain
my smile is the sunshine
which hides the pouring rain
there's no use in trying to find
who there is to blame
cuz there's no point in trying to win
when we've already lost the game

the sound of your loving voice
soaks into my soul
and I wish that i had had the choice
to never let you go

cuz i can hear your tender words
in the chaos of my mind
although I feel so lost
you're not that hard to find
how can i reveal to you
the feelings that i hide?
if only you could truly see
the emptiness inside

the warmness of your sweet embrace
absorbs into my skin
the sparkling of your dreamy eyes
makes the shade less dim

cuz i can feel your gentle touch
in the stinging of my scars
i act like nothing's wrong
to hide my broken heart
our tiny act of failure
is what tears me apart
our love had gotten nowhere
but yet we went too far
and here i am trying to fix the end
when it was already destroyed from the start
but i can never erase your name
cuz it's written in the stars

Overcoming Stress

How do you overcome stress? Talk? Pray? Music? Yell? Scream in your pillow? Me.. well I usually drown my pillow with tears and talk to God. I also write music/poetry. But I found a new way for me to hand my burdens over to God - throwing stones. I know that sounds vicious, but see, I throw stones in the water. There's a lake across from my house, a very small lake (I'm talking like, a pond sized lake). It's called Church Lake. Here's what I do: I pick up a stone, name it (pain, worry, anger, etc.), and throw it into the water. The water is God. Hence the name Church Lake =D It really helps me, and sometimes I will bring my iPod with so I can listen to music.