Little More About Me

First name? Katrina
Middle name? Marie
Like your name? Yes.
Named after anyone? A storybook character my mom made up in highschool..
Any nicknames? Kat, Kit Kat, Trina, Hurricane Katrina...
Age? 15
Birthdate? 11/21/93
Birthplace? Waconia, MN
Time you were born? 8:03pm
Height? 5'4"
Like your height? Sure.
Eye color? Blue.
Contacts/glasses? I SHOULD start wearing my glasses more often, I'm pretty near-sighted.
Hair color? Brown.
Righy or lefty? Righty.
Your favorite...
Type of music? Anything.
Band or singer? Too many.
TV show? That 70s Show, CSI, House..
Movie? Fireproof, Passion of the Christ, Titanic.
Thing to do? Draw, sing, dance, write, listen to music, blog ;-)
Food? Don't really have a favorite.
Non alcoholic drink? Mountain dew. lol.
Alcoholic drink? Don't drink alcohol.
Animal? Cats.
Holiday? Christmas.
Season? Summer.
Sport? Basketball, Football, Baseball..
Place to shop? American Eagle ^-^
Scent? Vanilla, Lilacs, any sweets..
Fruit? Strawberries.
Pizza topping? Sausage & Pepperoni.
Ice cream flavor? Chocolate chip cookie dough.
Color? Pink.
Number? 7.
This or that...
Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate for sure.
Pepsi or coke? Coke.
Hot or cold? In regards to... ?
Dog or cat? Cat.
French Fries or onion rings? Fries.
Pepperoni or sausage? Urg.. I don't know lol.
50 Cent or Eminem? 50 Cent.
Hugs or kisses? Both :-D
Movies or TV? Depends on my mood.
Do you...
Smoke? No.
Drink? No.
Talk to yourself? All the time.
Believe in yourself? Yeah.
Play an instrument? Flute..
Go to school? I'm homeschooled.
Want to get married? Yes someday.
Want to have kids? Yes.
Get along with your parents? Yeah.
Get along with your siblings? Eh.. We have our moments when we actually get along..
Random
Do you think you're trustworthy? Yes.
Ever toilet papered someones house? Noo.
What are your parents names? Doug & Amy.
Siblings names? Alexandra, Robert, Julie (half-sis), Julio (bro-in-law).
What color pants are you wearing right now? White.
Been arrested? Nope.
Been out of the country? Nope.
Can you stick your fist in your mouth? No, and I don't want to try.
Do you do drugs? Um no.
Would you ever get plastic surgery? Noooo.
Do you like to laugh? Yes.
What time do you go to bed? Whenever.
Do you like to give or recieve? Both.
Do you live alone? No.
Ever been up a mountain? Just to ski.

By My Side

This past month is the first time I've really actually felt God's presence. I feel Him by my side all the time now. And because of that, I got the message from Him to go over to my [at the time] ex-best friend's house (we're like best friends again now). I didn't know why, but I did it anyways. On Sunday, I got her saved. She decided to accept Christ. It took more than just talking to her, so I popped in the movie Passion of the Christ. It was my third time watching it, but I knew it would take more than words and Bible verses. She saw it all, and she asked Jesus into her heart. It was incredible.

I've also felt Jesus by my side because He's been giving me everything I need. Love, healing, and some direction. The direction part is still a little blurry but I'm getting there. I know that God has something in store for me. A closed door leads to an open door, we just need to choose the right path in order to get to that door.

Recovering

Part of recovering is, well, going through pain. The reason I'm handling this break-up particularly well, is because I've experienced hurt and rejection before, so I have a better understanding of how to process this whole thing.

Today, March 27th, is the day Karl and I met last year. So you would think that I would have been miserable all day, and it was a little tough when the day started off, but instead of going crazy and having an emotional breakdown, I just calmed myself down and kept the thought in mind that God has everything under control. It also helped that we went to my mom's friend's house and spent most of the day there ;-)

I'm still recovering, still trying to figure things out, and I still have a lot of questions for God, but I know He will provide and answer my questions eventually. If He brought me to it, then He'll bring me through it. As much as I want the desolation to pass, I know that this will strengthen me for what is to come. My great-grandma always said, "This too shall pass".. That's been a little 'note-to-self'' for me.

Always remember that God never gives up on you, never ignores you, and He always hears your cries. He's the Creator of the universe, so if He can handle the universe, I'm sure He can handle our burdens.

Head Held High

One thing I've learned recently - prayer is a powerful thing. God really does answer your prayers, but not necessarily the way you want them to be answered. My prayers have been answered the opposite of what I wanted but strangely, I'm okay with it. Sometimes when you ask for something and you don't get it, you get something even BETTER. God's blessings are beyond description.

Has anyone ever told you, “Patience is a virtue?” Well, another thing I’ve learned, is that patience is a difficult process, but, for me, it's been worthwhile. is whole situation between Karl and I has been leaving me with lots of questions that still remain unanswered, but it's also been bringing me closer to Jesus. It's making me realize that I have someone to stay by my side at all times. He's been listening to my cries, questions, and my little temper-tantrums. This is a time when my heart needs to be open, my mind needs to be alert, and I need to be ready and prepared for whatever God has for me. I know that His answers may not be very pleasing, but I'm going to have to accept it. If I remain obedient to Him, He will bless me. And lately, I've been really opening my eyes to everything He has blessed me with, and that's really helped me with my healing process, because I realize that He has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends, and an awesome home. This is a time to have a positive attitude, because if I was negative all the time, that wouldn't help this situation at all.

I watch Joel Osteen often, and this past Sunday, I watched his program and he was talking about living your life to the fullest, even through tough times. Think about it - are you gonna get anywhere when you're in a negative rut all the time? No. He was talking about how you should have a purpose for EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE, not just sitting there waiting for God's main purpose for you. Life is too short to waste your time on griping about things. I try to wake up everyday saying, "Today is gonna be a good day".. and sometimes, we don't have control over the events that happen in that day, BUT, we do have control over our reactions. So what Joel has taught me, is that I'm gonna get a lot further in life with my head held high.

Through any painful situation (like what I've been going through), don't go around feeling sorry for yourself. If you keep your chin up and realize that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that is what will get you through your tough spots. Sometimes, we need to thank God BEFORE He blesses us. Something that everyone could apply to their lives, is that you should always thank God for not only the doors He has already opened, but also for the doors He is going to open. If you walk on God's path, it will lead to something wonderful.

New Song

Here's a new song I wrote.. I guess my last blog really got to me, and it was on my mind all day yesterday, so I wrote about it. First it started out as a poem but as musical as I am (haha), I turned it into a song:

(My Only) Novicane

i feel no hurt
for i am numb
i don't know where
this blood came from

chorus
i feel it now
it's in my skin
the deeper i go
i know pain exists
deeper, deeper
i feel it, i feel it
i can't take it anymore
but my heart is still sore
and though i am ashamed
it's my only novicane

i'd rather feel the cut
that pinches my soul
instead of feeling worthless
inside my little hole

it feels better on my flesh
than it does inside my chest
i'd rather do it to myself
than have it caused by someone else

it stings, it stings so bad
so bad that i don't want to cry
but the tears are still falling
and i hear you calling
and i'm sorry, oh i'm sorry
i just can't feel anything

(chorus repeat)

take it away
please take this away
i still see red, i still see red
but it feels too good to stop
the blood and the tears still drop
pick me up
just take me with you
cuz i don't wanna be here
no i dont wanna be here
i just want to be at ease
my heart to be in one piece

this pain that i feel
just doesn't seem real
and i want to make sure
that i can feel, feel the hurt

i feel it now
it's in my skin
and the deeper i go
i know pain exists
deeper, deeper
i feel it, oh i feel it
i can't take it anymore
but my heart is still sore
so i'll go deeper, deeper
it hurts so bad
it feels so good
and though i am ashamed
it's my only novicane
though i'm so ashamed
it's my only novicane

Thoughts?

I want to know anybody's thoughts on this..

Self-harm - as in, well, cutting yourself. First question: Would you consider it "cutting" if you just scrape yourself with a pin or thumb tac or something? What if you don't draw any blood? What if you don't use a knife?

I also want to know why people do it, and I'm not saying I'm against them because I'm a very understanding person, and nowadays, I can see why people do it. Most people who cut themselves have been through some kind of abuse - whether it be physical, emotional, sexual, or even spiritual. My mom went through all the abuse that I just mentioned, and she slit her wrists. I asked her why she did it and this is what she said.. does this relate to anyone?:

She said when you're going through emotional pain, cutting yourself and feeling pain is like reassuring yourself that you can still 'feel'. Some people use the word "Numb" to describe how they feel, so they take that numbness away by causing themselves pain that they can feel. I've often asked myself through many situations, "Is this real? Am I really feeling this pain?" Although I've never thought about cutting myself, because I was young and I didn't really understand the concept of it. I used to think, "Why on EARTH would anyone do that to themselves??" But I know that feeling of 'I'm not good enough' and 'why does it matter, nobody cares so why should I care' and because of those feelings, you just feel like it doesn't matter if you hurt yourself.

I hate admitting it, but I have stroked myself with a pin, and it led to almost making myself bleed. My reason was different than reassurance - I did it because I thought physical pain would feel better than emotional pain. It was like my get-away from the emotional pain, I didn't want to feel it so I put myself through physical pain instead. It hurt, it stung, and it was kind of scary, yet, it felt good in a way, because it felt better than all the other hurt I was going through. I did feel guilty afterwards because I knew God couldn't have been very happy with me.

1 Corinthians 16-20: Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

So, in other words, God wants us to be Holy and take care of our bodies because we were made as an image of Christ. Would Jesus cut himself? No. Would Jesus cause any self-harm? No. Would Jesus feel that no one cares about Him? No. Do you think Jesus ever thinks, "I'm not good enough" or "What's the point"? No. Jesus was mocked, and even though He was perfect, He still had to go through the Devil's temptations, but He didn't do anything self-harming. Jesus wants us to be like Him. That doesn't mean it's not going to be hard for some people to stop cutting themselves, because once you're in the habit, it's hard to break it. But God can get you through anything.

I want to know anyone's thoughts or opinions.. is it smart? Does it really help the pain?

Past, Present, and the Future

Being a Kat is like, well, being a cat. You're curious about the world around you, and sometimes that curiousity can lead to trouble. Believe me, I would know.

I was born here in Minnesota, and all but 2 years of my life was spent here. The 2 years I wasn't here, I was in Arkansas living with my grandma. I lived a pretty average life.. when I was 7, my little sister Alexandra was born, and 11 months after that, my little brother Robert was born. After they were born, we moved constantly, and it was only to different apartment complexes. We stayed at one complex for 4 years, but it had only 2 bedrooms, and we had a minimum of 2 cats every year (our last year there, we ended up with 4 cats). So it was tough. The house that we're currently living in is the first house we've ever lived in as a family (grandma's house doesn't really count). It's wonderful having 4 bedrooms and a huge backyard, and we even have a little lake across the street. We still have our 4 cats: Dipstick, Hottie, Tango, and our newest one, Bobo (who is my cat). Bobo we got a year ago after Sasha passed away. He is also the cat that was always claimed to be a girl until we found out a few months ago that he is a boy. And when I named him Bobo, I was not aware that his name means 'penis' in French. Well, all I have to say is, it's a good thing he's NOT a girl..

Anyways, my life has changed drastically in the past month. My boyfriend Karl and I broke up after being together for almost a year (April 11th would be our annivarsary), but we're still best friends. The thing is, our relationship is what most people would call an "online relationship", because we met online. It seems so much more than an online relationship though, we connect in such a way that can't even be described. And it is more than just an online relationship because we talk on the phone, also. Anyways, he lives in Georgia, but we met on a Christian website and after getting to know each other, we felt that God wanted us to be together. So we tried it and everything went great. Right now, we're taking a break only because we realize how hard it is to not see each other, touch each other, be near each other, or spend real time together. We wanted (and still want) to meet each other, but it would still be hard for us because we would only be able to see each other once a year (until I turn 18, or if he decides to move up here - he's 18). Even though we still talk and we still care about each other, this has been a really painful experience for me. It makes me realize how much I love him and how much I just want to be with him. His mom and my mom get along really well, and they've gained quite a friendship over the months, and in September, we're going to meet Karl's parents. We will all be staying at a hotel in Wisconsin, and might I add, it is a BEAUTIFUL hotel! I'm so phsyced, and I absolutely love Karl's mom.. even though I don't know for sure if she will be my mother-in-law one day, I still look to her as a second mom. She is so amazing. I don't know if Karl will be at the hotel, because him and his parents have been on really bad terms lately, and he's convinced that he doesn't want to take any days off work. I do hope he changes his mind, because we're not going to know for sure if we really are/were in love unless we meet and we're able to hug and kiss and all that. Right now, I'm just taking things one day at a time. This is a hard process but it's also a lesson that I really needed to learn.

I know this all sounds so crazy, but I guess you would have to be me to fully understand it. Life is a mystery and all we can do is let God take care of everything. After all, we don't know the future, so let's leave it up to The One who does know the future. Even being a strong Christian, I still question God and don't always understand the things He does, but I know He has something in store for me, I just need to watch my steps and trust Him. Times like this, that's all I can do.