Hey everyone,
Well first I wanna share that Karl and I are now basically engaged.. and continuing our testimony through myspace. We are sharing one and trying to do ministry through it. Feel free to check it out and add us.. We're not churchy or "religious", we just want to help people in their walk with God, be here for spiritual guidance, and even reach out to people struggling in their relationship with God, or people who don't know God. This is the first step in our long-term goal and would love to have as much support as possible =)
www.myspace.com/kandk-dietrich
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Ashes
Have any horrible memories that keep haunting you? Any old journals or letters that express any pain you went through? My mom did, she had journals upon journals of notes and poems that described her pain and disturbing events. But when her and my dad got together, they went to a camping sight and burned those journals and notes. Now all that's left is the ashes. That's how I feel about Karl (yes, we're back together, will tell about it later). I'm tired of those scary memories creeping up on me and then taking me by surprise and letting them have a hold on me for a long period of time. I just want to leave it all behind and Karl has been a big help in that area of my life. Here's a song I wrote about it.
Ashes
it's too late to look back
and see what could have changed
only you can see that
the memories drive me insane
you look in my eyes
and see the leftover pain
but i look in the sky
and see the ashes blow away
you look in my heart
and see the leftover scars
but i no longer hurt
if i am where you are
it's too late to regret
and say i was not right
it's too hard to forget
what kept me up most nights
you look in my eyes
and see my hindered tears
but i look in your eyes
and see your love is clear
you look in my heart
and see that it's still sore
but i no longer hurt
if i am in your warmth
these notes of misery
letters of distress
are thrown into the flames
where they will forever rest
these pictures of sorrow
and journals of shame
are left here where only
the ashes remain
for you i will let go
of all the tragic incidents
only you will know
of the memories' remnants
here the ashes lay
in a finished, perfect pile
now i will walk away
with a smile
Ashes
it's too late to look back
and see what could have changed
only you can see that
the memories drive me insane
you look in my eyes
and see the leftover pain
but i look in the sky
and see the ashes blow away
you look in my heart
and see the leftover scars
but i no longer hurt
if i am where you are
it's too late to regret
and say i was not right
it's too hard to forget
what kept me up most nights
you look in my eyes
and see my hindered tears
but i look in your eyes
and see your love is clear
you look in my heart
and see that it's still sore
but i no longer hurt
if i am in your warmth
these notes of misery
letters of distress
are thrown into the flames
where they will forever rest
these pictures of sorrow
and journals of shame
are left here where only
the ashes remain
for you i will let go
of all the tragic incidents
only you will know
of the memories' remnants
here the ashes lay
in a finished, perfect pile
now i will walk away
with a smile
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Our Body~His Temple
Pain. Fear. Misery. Loneliness. These things can lead to a feeling of desperation. Sometimes you just feel trapped in your own confusion, and you yearn for unusual, scary things. You get to the point where you don't know what to do, or how to help yourself, and you have a negative outlook on life. So then what happens?
When you don't care about yourself, it can lead to being used as a sex object, doing drugs, or harming yourself - or even all of the above. For me, it was self harm. I cared about my virginity and wasn't ready for sex - emotionally or physically. So I wasn't going to just sleep around. I've never been into drugs and was never interested in them. So what did I do? You got it, I cut myself. How come I harmed myself when that's strictly prohibited in the Bible, but didn't give my body away? Doesn't make much sense, does it? The main reason: I was raised my whole life believing in saving virginity until marriage. I had only read about 'taking care of our bodies' one time. But also - I wanted REAL love - not one night of guilty pleasure.
Why did I carve a heart into my leg? Yes, I jabbed a heart into my leg with a pin and re-traced it every night for about a week. I made it bleed about 3 times. But why did I do it? Because I had been through so much in one month. I couldn't handle the stress on top of the chaos of my everyday life. Too much was going on at one time, and it was going by so fast - so fast that I didn't even have the time to feel anything. I could not identify any of my emotions, not one. I felt numb, like I couldn't feel anything because so many feelings and emotions were shot at me in such little time. So instead of being patient and trying to let each emotion soak in so I could identify it and fix it - I gave myself a feeling I could easily comprehend - pain. Better yet, it was physical. Not emotional. And that was more tolerable than the emotional pain. It was my re-assurance that I really COULD feel, that I hadn't been shot by novicane. I WAS NOT NUMB and that's all I wanted to know. But once I jumped back into reality - it became my escape, my escape from heartache.
Did it hurt? Yes, it did. It stung so bad I almost started screaming. But it felt good at the same time. When I drew blood, I became terrified, yet, I didn't stop. I couldn't. The blood was the pain being set free. I wanted to bleed more so I could let more hurt and pain flow out of my body. What made it better was the tears - I had never cried so hard in my life. So everything was being set free in two different ways: Crying & cutting. But after those days of painful pleasure, a knew feeling developed in me, and I could identify that one, also - guilt. I knew I had done something wrong but wasn't quite sure why I felt that way. A few days later - I remembered. I remembered what I had read in the Bible about how we must take care of ourselves because our bodies are His temple and we were made in His image. I just felt sick, and I became even more upset with myself. I realized that I had let the devil take over me. What I did to myself was evil. I begged God for forgiveness and apologized more times than I could count. After that, I was able to resist the temptation, even when things seemed worse than they were when I slit myself. I learned how to solve my problems in a more Godly manner - and I don't want to damage His temple anymore. I want to please Him, and I know He cares about me and doesn't like seeing me in pain - emotional or physical. I know how to give all my emotions to Him - whether I can identify them or not.
But why a heart, you may ask? Why did I choose to engrave a heart into my leg, instead of just engraving various lines, like most other people do? Well, I didn't know what love was, and I wanted to know. I wanted to feel love - whatever that was. I wanted it so bad that I decided to engrave love's symbol into my skin. But then I realized that a heart isn't love's REAL symbol - the cross is. What is Love? GOD is love. And love is God. Love comes directly from God because He first loved us - even before the beginning of time. He died on the corss so our sins may be forgiven and we may spend eternal life with Him. If that's not love, then I don't know what it is. This heart on my leg isn't going away any time soon - I'm basically scarred for life now. When I look at it, it reminds me of the trauma I went through, it makes me feel guilty & ashamed, but it also lets me remember that God's love is written all over my heart. The scar isn't going away - and neither is Jesus. That whole experience was just a lesson learned. The past is forgiven, and so am I. I now know that harming myself isn't the answer to anything, and it's not gonna take away any pain - instead it will give you guilt & shame.
When you don't care about yourself, it can lead to being used as a sex object, doing drugs, or harming yourself - or even all of the above. For me, it was self harm. I cared about my virginity and wasn't ready for sex - emotionally or physically. So I wasn't going to just sleep around. I've never been into drugs and was never interested in them. So what did I do? You got it, I cut myself. How come I harmed myself when that's strictly prohibited in the Bible, but didn't give my body away? Doesn't make much sense, does it? The main reason: I was raised my whole life believing in saving virginity until marriage. I had only read about 'taking care of our bodies' one time. But also - I wanted REAL love - not one night of guilty pleasure.
Why did I carve a heart into my leg? Yes, I jabbed a heart into my leg with a pin and re-traced it every night for about a week. I made it bleed about 3 times. But why did I do it? Because I had been through so much in one month. I couldn't handle the stress on top of the chaos of my everyday life. Too much was going on at one time, and it was going by so fast - so fast that I didn't even have the time to feel anything. I could not identify any of my emotions, not one. I felt numb, like I couldn't feel anything because so many feelings and emotions were shot at me in such little time. So instead of being patient and trying to let each emotion soak in so I could identify it and fix it - I gave myself a feeling I could easily comprehend - pain. Better yet, it was physical. Not emotional. And that was more tolerable than the emotional pain. It was my re-assurance that I really COULD feel, that I hadn't been shot by novicane. I WAS NOT NUMB and that's all I wanted to know. But once I jumped back into reality - it became my escape, my escape from heartache.
Did it hurt? Yes, it did. It stung so bad I almost started screaming. But it felt good at the same time. When I drew blood, I became terrified, yet, I didn't stop. I couldn't. The blood was the pain being set free. I wanted to bleed more so I could let more hurt and pain flow out of my body. What made it better was the tears - I had never cried so hard in my life. So everything was being set free in two different ways: Crying & cutting. But after those days of painful pleasure, a knew feeling developed in me, and I could identify that one, also - guilt. I knew I had done something wrong but wasn't quite sure why I felt that way. A few days later - I remembered. I remembered what I had read in the Bible about how we must take care of ourselves because our bodies are His temple and we were made in His image. I just felt sick, and I became even more upset with myself. I realized that I had let the devil take over me. What I did to myself was evil. I begged God for forgiveness and apologized more times than I could count. After that, I was able to resist the temptation, even when things seemed worse than they were when I slit myself. I learned how to solve my problems in a more Godly manner - and I don't want to damage His temple anymore. I want to please Him, and I know He cares about me and doesn't like seeing me in pain - emotional or physical. I know how to give all my emotions to Him - whether I can identify them or not.
But why a heart, you may ask? Why did I choose to engrave a heart into my leg, instead of just engraving various lines, like most other people do? Well, I didn't know what love was, and I wanted to know. I wanted to feel love - whatever that was. I wanted it so bad that I decided to engrave love's symbol into my skin. But then I realized that a heart isn't love's REAL symbol - the cross is. What is Love? GOD is love. And love is God. Love comes directly from God because He first loved us - even before the beginning of time. He died on the corss so our sins may be forgiven and we may spend eternal life with Him. If that's not love, then I don't know what it is. This heart on my leg isn't going away any time soon - I'm basically scarred for life now. When I look at it, it reminds me of the trauma I went through, it makes me feel guilty & ashamed, but it also lets me remember that God's love is written all over my heart. The scar isn't going away - and neither is Jesus. That whole experience was just a lesson learned. The past is forgiven, and so am I. I now know that harming myself isn't the answer to anything, and it's not gonna take away any pain - instead it will give you guilt & shame.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Song/Poem
Poem/song I wrote. No title. Just a bunch of rhymie words. Hope you like.
how i long to feel your love again
the love that never died
and though you're still my best friend
i cry for you at night
cuz i still see your beating heart
in the stillness of my pain
my smile is the sunshine
which hides the pouring rain
there's no use in trying to find
who there is to blame
cuz there's no point in trying to win
when we've already lost the game
the sound of your loving voice
soaks into my soul
and I wish that i had had the choice
to never let you go
cuz i can hear your tender words
in the chaos of my mind
although I feel so lost
you're not that hard to find
how can i reveal to you
the feelings that i hide?
if only you could truly see
the emptiness inside
the warmness of your sweet embrace
absorbs into my skin
the sparkling of your dreamy eyes
makes the shade less dim
cuz i can feel your gentle touch
in the stinging of my scars
i act like nothing's wrong
to hide my broken heart
our tiny act of failure
is what tears me apart
our love had gotten nowhere
but yet we went too far
and here i am trying to fix the end
when it was already destroyed from the start
but i can never erase your name
cuz it's written in the stars
how i long to feel your love again
the love that never died
and though you're still my best friend
i cry for you at night
cuz i still see your beating heart
in the stillness of my pain
my smile is the sunshine
which hides the pouring rain
there's no use in trying to find
who there is to blame
cuz there's no point in trying to win
when we've already lost the game
the sound of your loving voice
soaks into my soul
and I wish that i had had the choice
to never let you go
cuz i can hear your tender words
in the chaos of my mind
although I feel so lost
you're not that hard to find
how can i reveal to you
the feelings that i hide?
if only you could truly see
the emptiness inside
the warmness of your sweet embrace
absorbs into my skin
the sparkling of your dreamy eyes
makes the shade less dim
cuz i can feel your gentle touch
in the stinging of my scars
i act like nothing's wrong
to hide my broken heart
our tiny act of failure
is what tears me apart
our love had gotten nowhere
but yet we went too far
and here i am trying to fix the end
when it was already destroyed from the start
but i can never erase your name
cuz it's written in the stars
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Overcoming Stress
How do you overcome stress? Talk? Pray? Music? Yell? Scream in your pillow? Me.. well I usually drown my pillow with tears and talk to God. I also write music/poetry. But I found a new way for me to hand my burdens over to God - throwing stones. I know that sounds vicious, but see, I throw stones in the water. There's a lake across from my house, a very small lake (I'm talking like, a pond sized lake). It's called Church Lake. Here's what I do: I pick up a stone, name it (pain, worry, anger, etc.), and throw it into the water. The water is God. Hence the name Church Lake =D It really helps me, and sometimes I will bring my iPod with so I can listen to music. 
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Something to Keep in Mind
I'm still in the process of healing, but it's coming along a lot easier now more than ever. There's a verse in the Bible, Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". Karl's mom and I have been discussing that, and it totally makes sense. Think about it, in hard times, your "understanding" will tell you that there's no hope and you will suffer, but if you trust in the Lord, He will reward you for that. God is the one that gave us life, He created us, so how can we not trust Him? We trust our parents, and friends and family, but do we trust God at all times? Can we trust that He has everything under control? We trust people who will/can let us down, but we don't always trust God who will never let us down. Our understandings could deceive us and lead us astray because we're not leaning on God, and if you're not leaning on the one who made you and has your life already planned out, then what else do you lean on and depend on? From my understanding, there is no future for Karl and I together, there is no way of him and I being together again, and there is no hope for him and/or I to change.. But if I trust in the Lord and not my understanding, things will fall into place. God is a gracious and merciful God, He wants to see us succeed in life. So don't be down, don't be negative, don't have discouraging thoughts, keep your faith and relationship strong in the Lord and trust Him with all your life. He will reward you for it =)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Ring
Soo.. After Karl and I broke up, I was having difficulties with trusting God and always wondering when or if I would ever find true love again. Well, my answer is this - God is love. I heard this saying: "A woman must be so lost in God that a man must seek Him to find her".. and that's so true. I want to be so lost in God that a man must find Him before he can get to me. I don't know of any greater love than the love Jesus has to offer. I mean, he suffered and went through absolute torture and even gave up his life on the cross so that we could be with Him for eternity and have all of our sins be forgiven. If that's not love, than I don't know what it is!
ANYWAYS - I decided that I wanted to get *something* that would always remind me what Love is and that God is always with me.. so I thought maybe if I got a ring that had a Bible verse or something on it, it would help me remember that God is always wrapped around my finger. And this ring totally fits that purpose: 
Grand Slam Boy
Well.. things didn't work out with Grant and I, and it's mostly because of me. The other night I just got this weird vibe that I shouldn't go on a "date" with him, and I wasn't just going to ignore that vibe. I also realized that truth is, I'm not completely over Karl yet. I'm still torn up about us breaking up, and I'm not ready to get into all that stuff again . So I texted Grant and I told him that I just didn't think it was a good idea if we went on a date. He agreed, and now I feel guilty but I also feel like I was being obedient to God so.. I'm just waiting to see what He has in store for me. I also have plenty of time before I need to start worrying about boyfriends and who I'm gonna marry, right now I just want to have fun and enjoy my life the way it is.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Grand Slam
So Grand Slam was a blast.. we played mini-golf, bumper cars, laser tag, and played games in the arcade. We had a ton of fun and I really came out of my shell. Usually when I'm around a crowd, I'm very shy and I keep things to myself, but at Grand Slam, I really opened up and I was so... out there. I wasn't afraid to be myself. And because of that.... I met a sweet, funny, good-looking guy. His name is Grant, and we met when we were in Laser Tag (lol). First he asked us (me and Erica) what school we went to, and I told him I was home-schooled. It wasn't until Laser Tag was over when I saw him again in Bumper Cars, and then the arcade, and then after that, Erica and I sat down and Grant and his friends came over and sat with us. We talked and Grant asked me a load of questions about home-schooling. Then we went back to the arcade, sat down again, and Erica and I had a bunch of tokens that we weren't gonna use, so we gave them to Grant and his friends (to which in return, he gave me a bouncy ball and one of his 
friends gave Erica one too, lol). Then about 15 minutes after giving them tokens and tickets, we met again near the entrance of the building (we were waiting for my mom to pick us up), and that's when Grant asked me what my name was, and gave me his number! *Screams!* He told me his "name" but he was joking around and I didn't have the time to fight with him about what his real name was because my mom had arrived. He told me his name was Tyrome, but the next morning, I texted him and he told me his real name. Grant (lol). And now, him and I are talking about going to a movie this weekend. It was a night I will never forget, and the most fun I've had in a very long time. It also helped that Erica and I went to the mall before we went to Grand Slam, and that's always a plus ;-)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Little Updates
Well, Karl's birthday was on Friday, so I talked to him after going about 3 weeks without talking to him. I mailed him a $10 giftcard to Applebees - that was his birthday present. He told me he appreciated it and that I "didn't have to get him anything".. we actually had a good conversation. He confessed that he missed me, and of course I feel the same way, but we both agreed that this is where we need to be right now. I wish I could tell him how I really feel, (but I really do think we should just be friends, this is in regards to something else) but 1.) I'd probably gradually start yelling at him at the top of my lungs and 2.) I told God I was leaving it in His hands. Letting go is hard...
Okay now for some non-ex-boyfriend talk.. This Saturday I'm going to a place called Grand Slam for my best friend Erica's birthday. I'm phsyced and it's just gonna be me and her, so we'll have some good quality time together while having a lot of fun! It has laser tag, miniature golf, batting cages, and a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember at the moment. Check it out: http://www.grandslammn.com/
That's all I know - nothing else interesting is going on in my life. Weather is beautiful, hopefully it will stay that way so we can start our garden. For Minnesota, this time of year is early for it to be in the 60s and 70s but I'm definitely not complaining!
Okay now for some non-ex-boyfriend talk.. This Saturday I'm going to a place called Grand Slam for my best friend Erica's birthday. I'm phsyced and it's just gonna be me and her, so we'll have some good quality time together while having a lot of fun! It has laser tag, miniature golf, batting cages, and a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember at the moment. Check it out: http://www.grandslammn.com/
That's all I know - nothing else interesting is going on in my life. Weather is beautiful, hopefully it will stay that way so we can start our garden. For Minnesota, this time of year is early for it to be in the 60s and 70s but I'm definitely not complaining!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
GPS=God's Path to Success
One of my dear friends shared something with me a few months ago about how his pastor had described God to be like a GPS. And here's why: On a GPS in your car, it leads you to your destination, and if you take a wrong turn, it calculates another road you can take so that you can still get to your destination. God has a main purpose for all of us, and if we accidentally take a wrong turn, He reveals to you a knew road so that you can still get to where He wants you to be. 
I've taken a lot of wrong steps in my life and those roads led AWAY from God, instead of TO Him. We need to take our steps carefully because our faith will be tested, and our hearts can be deceived. So we need to make sure we're being led by God, not by the devil. It's a dangerous world out there but God can get us through it and take us to a place beyond thoughts that are filled with Love and Mercy. He can turn your dreams into reality, we just need to trust Him
I've taken a lot of wrong steps in my life and those roads led AWAY from God, instead of TO Him. We need to take our steps carefully because our faith will be tested, and our hearts can be deceived. So we need to make sure we're being led by God, not by the devil. It's a dangerous world out there but God can get us through it and take us to a place beyond thoughts that are filled with Love and Mercy. He can turn your dreams into reality, we just need to trust Him
Friday, April 3, 2009
Power of Prayer
I've been talking back and forth with Karl's mom, and we've been discussing the amazing power of prayer. Many people get upset with God because He doesn't answer our prayers right away or the way we want Him to. Believe me, I've been there, and I know how hard it is to be patient. But throughout this whole situation, that's all I can do, is wait. Who am I to rush God? After all, His timing and plans will work better than mine, and the patience will pay off in the long run.I've also learned that you can't pray one thing, and say another thing. You can't say, "Lord, I want you to bless them", and then outside of prayer, say bad things about them and deep inside, you really don't want them to be blessed. If you think about it, that's almost like lying to God. If you don't want that, don't ask God for it, you need to want it, first.
Prayer works in amazing ways, especially if you use it frequently. Just the other day, my mom, my siblings and I were going over to a friend's house which was about 30 minutes away, and we'd only been there once before. My mom didn't have directions on how to get there - instead she went by memory. She got to a point where she didn't remember what turn she was supposed to take next, so I asked Jesus to lead us the right way and right then, my mom said she remembered where she was supposed to go. So because of Jesus, we got to our destination. He always gives us direction, but sometimes that takes patience. Take it from someone who knows, and has been going through it for the past month ;-)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Little More About Me
First name? Katrina
Middle name? Marie
Like your name? Yes.
Named after anyone? A storybook character my mom made up in highschool..
Any nicknames? Kat, Kit Kat, Trina, Hurricane Katrina...
Age? 15
Birthdate? 11/21/93
Birthplace? Waconia, MN
Time you were born? 8:03pm
Height? 5'4"
Like your height? Sure.
Eye color? Blue.
Contacts/glasses? I SHOULD start wearing my glasses more often, I'm pretty near-sighted.
Hair color? Brown.
Righy or lefty? Righty.
Your favorite...
Type of music? Anything.
Band or singer? Too many.
TV show? That 70s Show, CSI, House..
Movie? Fireproof, Passion of the Christ, Titanic.
Thing to do? Draw, sing, dance, write, listen to music, blog ;-)
Food? Don't really have a favorite.
Non alcoholic drink? Mountain dew. lol.
Alcoholic drink? Don't drink alcohol.
Animal? Cats.
Holiday? Christmas.
Season? Summer.
Sport? Basketball, Football, Baseball..
Place to shop? American Eagle ^-^
Scent? Vanilla, Lilacs, any sweets..
Fruit? Strawberries.
Pizza topping? Sausage & Pepperoni.
Ice cream flavor? Chocolate chip cookie dough.
Color? Pink.
Number? 7.
This or that...
Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate for sure.
Pepsi or coke? Coke.
Hot or cold? In regards to... ?
Dog or cat? Cat.
French Fries or onion rings? Fries.
Pepperoni or sausage? Urg.. I don't know lol.
50 Cent or Eminem? 50 Cent.
Hugs or kisses? Both :-D
Movies or TV? Depends on my mood.
Do you...
Smoke? No.
Drink? No.
Talk to yourself? All the time.
Believe in yourself? Yeah.
Play an instrument? Flute..
Go to school? I'm homeschooled.
Want to get married? Yes someday.
Want to have kids? Yes.
Get along with your parents? Yeah.
Get along with your siblings? Eh.. We have our moments when we actually get along..
Random
Do you think you're trustworthy? Yes.
Ever toilet papered someones house? Noo.
What are your parents names? Doug & Amy.
Siblings names? Alexandra, Robert, Julie (half-sis), Julio (bro-in-law).
What color pants are you wearing right now? White.
Been arrested? Nope.
Been out of the country? Nope.
Can you stick your fist in your mouth? No, and I don't want to try.
Do you do drugs? Um no.
Would you ever get plastic surgery? Noooo.
Do you like to laugh? Yes.
What time do you go to bed? Whenever.
Do you like to give or recieve? Both.
Do you live alone? No.
Ever been up a mountain? Just to ski.
Middle name? Marie
Like your name? Yes.
Named after anyone? A storybook character my mom made up in highschool..
Any nicknames? Kat, Kit Kat, Trina, Hurricane Katrina...
Age? 15
Birthdate? 11/21/93
Birthplace? Waconia, MN
Time you were born? 8:03pm
Height? 5'4"
Like your height? Sure.
Eye color? Blue.
Contacts/glasses? I SHOULD start wearing my glasses more often, I'm pretty near-sighted.
Hair color? Brown.
Righy or lefty? Righty.
Your favorite...
Type of music? Anything.
Band or singer? Too many.
TV show? That 70s Show, CSI, House..
Movie? Fireproof, Passion of the Christ, Titanic.
Thing to do? Draw, sing, dance, write, listen to music, blog ;-)
Food? Don't really have a favorite.
Non alcoholic drink? Mountain dew. lol.
Alcoholic drink? Don't drink alcohol.
Animal? Cats.
Holiday? Christmas.
Season? Summer.
Sport? Basketball, Football, Baseball..
Place to shop? American Eagle ^-^
Scent? Vanilla, Lilacs, any sweets..
Fruit? Strawberries.
Pizza topping? Sausage & Pepperoni.
Ice cream flavor? Chocolate chip cookie dough.
Color? Pink.
Number? 7.
This or that...
Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate for sure.
Pepsi or coke? Coke.
Hot or cold? In regards to... ?
Dog or cat? Cat.
French Fries or onion rings? Fries.
Pepperoni or sausage? Urg.. I don't know lol.
50 Cent or Eminem? 50 Cent.
Hugs or kisses? Both :-D
Movies or TV? Depends on my mood.
Do you...
Smoke? No.
Drink? No.
Talk to yourself? All the time.
Believe in yourself? Yeah.
Play an instrument? Flute..
Go to school? I'm homeschooled.
Want to get married? Yes someday.
Want to have kids? Yes.
Get along with your parents? Yeah.
Get along with your siblings? Eh.. We have our moments when we actually get along..
Random
Do you think you're trustworthy? Yes.
Ever toilet papered someones house? Noo.
What are your parents names? Doug & Amy.
Siblings names? Alexandra, Robert, Julie (half-sis), Julio (bro-in-law).
What color pants are you wearing right now? White.
Been arrested? Nope.
Been out of the country? Nope.
Can you stick your fist in your mouth? No, and I don't want to try.
Do you do drugs? Um no.
Would you ever get plastic surgery? Noooo.
Do you like to laugh? Yes.
What time do you go to bed? Whenever.
Do you like to give or recieve? Both.
Do you live alone? No.
Ever been up a mountain? Just to ski.
Monday, March 30, 2009
By My Side
This past month is the first time I've really actually felt God's presence. I feel Him by my side all the time now. And because of that, I got the message from Him to go over to my [at the time] ex-best friend's house (we're like best friends again now). I didn't know why, but I did it anyways. On Sunday, I got her saved. She decided to accept Christ. It took more than just talking to her, so I popped in the movie Passion of the Christ. It was my third time watching it, but I knew it would take more than words and Bible verses. She saw it all, and she asked Jesus into her heart. It was incredible.
I've also felt Jesus by my side because He's been giving me everything I need. Love, healing, and some direction. The direction part is still a little blurry but I'm getting there. I know that God has something in store for me. A closed door leads to an open door, we just need to choose the right path in order to get to that door.
I've also felt Jesus by my side because He's been giving me everything I need. Love, healing, and some direction. The direction part is still a little blurry but I'm getting there. I know that God has something in store for me. A closed door leads to an open door, we just need to choose the right path in order to get to that door.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Recovering
Part of recovering is, well, going through pain. The reason I'm handling this break-up particularly well, is because I've experienced hurt and rejection before, so I have a better understanding of how to process this whole thing.
Today, March 27th, is the day Karl and I met last year. So you would think that I would have been miserable all day, and it was a little tough when the day started off, but instead of going crazy and having an emotional breakdown, I just calmed myself down and kept the thought in mind that God has everything under control. It also helped that we went to my mom's friend's house and spent most of the day there ;-)
I'm still recovering, still trying to figure things out, and I still have a lot of questions for God, but I know He will provide and answer my questions eventually. If He brought me to it, then He'll bring me through it. As much as I want the desolation to pass, I know that this will strengthen me for what is to come. My great-grandma always said, "This too shall pass".. That's been a little 'note-to-self'' for me.
Always remember that God never gives up on you, never ignores you, and He always hears your cries. He's the Creator of the universe, so if He can handle the universe, I'm sure He can handle our burdens.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Head Held High
One thing I've learned recently - prayer is a powerful thing. God really does answer your prayers, but not necessarily the way you want them to be answered. My prayers have been answered the opposite of what I wanted but strangely, I'm okay with it. Sometimes when you ask for something and you don't get it, you get something even BETTER. God's blessings are beyond description.
Has anyone ever told you, “Patience is a virtue?” Well, another thing I’ve learned, is that patience is a difficult process, but, for me, it's been worthwhile. is whole situation between Karl and I has been leaving me with lots of questions that still remain unanswered, but it's also been bringing me closer to Jesus. It's making me realize that I have someone to stay b
y my side at all times. He's been listening to my cries, questions, and my little temper-tantrums. This is a time when my heart needs to be open, my mind needs to be alert, and I need to be ready and prepared for whatever God has for me. I know that His answers may not be very pleasing, but I'm going to have to accept it. If I remain obedient to Him, He will bless me. And lately, I've been really opening my eyes to everything He has blessed me with, and that's really helped me with my healing process, because I realize that He has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends, and an awesome home. This is a time to have a positive attitude, because if I was negative all the time, that wouldn't help this situation at all.
I watch Joel Osteen often, and this past Sunday, I watched his program and he was talking about living your life to the fullest, even through tough times. Think about it - are you gonna get anywhere when you're in a negative rut all the time? No. He was talking about how you should have a purpose for EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE, not just sitting there waiting for God's main purpose for you. Life is too short to waste your time on griping about things. I try to wake up everyday saying, "Today is gonna be a good day".. and sometimes, we don't have control over the events that happen in that day, BUT, we do have control over our reactions. So what Joel has taught me, is that I'm gonna get a lot further in life with my head held high.
Through any painful situation (like what I've been going through), don't go around feeling sorry for yourself. If you keep your chin up and realize that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that is what will get you through your tough spots. Sometimes, we need to thank God BEFORE He blesses us. Something that everyone could apply to their lives, is that you should always thank God for not only the doors He has already opened, but also for the doors He is going to open. If you walk on God's path, it will lead to something wonderful.
Has anyone ever told you, “Patience is a virtue?” Well, another thing I’ve learned, is that patience is a difficult process, but, for me, it's been worthwhile. is whole situation between Karl and I has been leaving me with lots of questions that still remain unanswered, but it's also been bringing me closer to Jesus. It's making me realize that I have someone to stay b
y my side at all times. He's been listening to my cries, questions, and my little temper-tantrums. This is a time when my heart needs to be open, my mind needs to be alert, and I need to be ready and prepared for whatever God has for me. I know that His answers may not be very pleasing, but I'm going to have to accept it. If I remain obedient to Him, He will bless me. And lately, I've been really opening my eyes to everything He has blessed me with, and that's really helped me with my healing process, because I realize that He has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends, and an awesome home. This is a time to have a positive attitude, because if I was negative all the time, that wouldn't help this situation at all.I watch Joel Osteen often, and this past Sunday, I watched his program and he was talking about living your life to the fullest, even through tough times. Think about it - are you gonna get anywhere when you're in a negative rut all the time? No. He was talking about how you should have a purpose for EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE, not just sitting there waiting for God's main purpose for you. Life is too short to waste your time on griping about things. I try to wake up everyday saying, "Today is gonna be a good day".. and sometimes, we don't have control over the events that happen in that day, BUT, we do have control over our reactions. So what Joel has taught me, is that I'm gonna get a lot further in life with my head held high.
Through any painful situation (like what I've been going through), don't go around feeling sorry for yourself. If you keep your chin up and realize that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that is what will get you through your tough spots. Sometimes, we need to thank God BEFORE He blesses us. Something that everyone could apply to their lives, is that you should always thank God for not only the doors He has already opened, but also for the doors He is going to open. If you walk on God's path, it will lead to something wonderful.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
New Song
Here's a new song I wrote.. I guess my last blog really got to me, and it was on my mind all day yesterday, so I wrote about it. First it started out as a poem but as musical as I am (haha), I turned it into a song:
(My Only) Novicane
i feel no hurt
for i am numb
i don't know where
this blood came from
chorus
i feel it now
it's in my skin
the deeper i go
i know pain exists
deeper, deeper
i feel it, i feel it
i can't take it anymore
but my heart is still sore
and though i am ashamed
it's my only novicane
i'd rather feel the cut
that pinches my soul
instead of feeling worthless
inside my little hole
it feels better on my flesh
than it does inside my chest
i'd rather do it to myself
than have it caused by someone else
it stings, it stings so bad
so bad that i don't want to cry
but the tears are still falling
and i hear you calling
and i'm sorry, oh i'm sorry
i just can't feel anything
(chorus repeat)
take it away
please take this away
i still see red, i still see red
but it feels too good to stop
the blood and the tears still drop
pick me up
just take me with you
cuz i don't wanna be here
no i dont wanna be here
i just want to be at ease
my heart to be in one piece
this pain that i feel
just doesn't seem real
and i want to make sure
that i can feel, feel the hurt
i feel it now
it's in my skin
and the deeper i go
i know pain exists
deeper, deeper
i feel it, oh i feel it
i can't take it anymore
but my heart is still sore
so i'll go deeper, deeper
it hurts so bad
it feels so good
and though i am ashamed
it's my only novicane
though i'm so ashamed
it's my only novicane
(My Only) Novicane
i feel no hurt
for i am numb
i don't know where
this blood came from
chorus
i feel it now
it's in my skin
the deeper i go
i know pain exists
deeper, deeper
i feel it, i feel it
i can't take it anymore
but my heart is still sore
and though i am ashamed
it's my only novicane
i'd rather feel the cut
that pinches my soul
instead of feeling worthless
inside my little hole
it feels better on my flesh
than it does inside my chest
i'd rather do it to myself
than have it caused by someone else
it stings, it stings so bad
so bad that i don't want to cry
but the tears are still falling
and i hear you calling
and i'm sorry, oh i'm sorry
i just can't feel anything
(chorus repeat)
take it away
please take this away
i still see red, i still see red
but it feels too good to stop
the blood and the tears still drop
pick me up
just take me with you
cuz i don't wanna be here
no i dont wanna be here
i just want to be at ease
my heart to be in one piece
this pain that i feel
just doesn't seem real
and i want to make sure
that i can feel, feel the hurt
i feel it now
it's in my skin
and the deeper i go
i know pain exists
deeper, deeper
i feel it, oh i feel it
i can't take it anymore
but my heart is still sore
so i'll go deeper, deeper
it hurts so bad
it feels so good
and though i am ashamed
it's my only novicane
though i'm so ashamed
it's my only novicane
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Thoughts?
I want to know anybody's thoughts on this..
Self-harm - as in, well, cutting yourself. First question: Would you consider it "cutting" if you just scrape yourself with a pin or thumb tac or something? What if you don't draw any blood? What if you don't use a knife?
I also want to know why people do it, and I'm not saying I'm against them because I'm a very understanding person, and nowadays, I can see why people do it. Most people who cut themselves have been through some kind of abuse - whether it be physical, emotional, sexual, or even spiritual. My mom went through all the abuse that I just mentioned, and she slit her wrists. I asked her why she did it and this is what she said.. does this relate to anyone?:
She said when you're going through emotional pain, cutting yourself and feeling pain is like reassuring yourself that you can still 'feel'. Some people use the word "Numb" to describe how they feel, so they take that numbness away by causing themselves pain that they can feel. I've often asked myself through many situations, "Is this real? Am I really feeling this pain?" Although I've never thought about cutting myself, because I was young and I didn't really understand the concept of it. I used to think, "Why on EARTH would anyone do that to themselves??"
But I know that feeling of 'I'm not good enough' and 'why does it matter, nobody cares so why should I care' and because of those feelings, you just feel like it doesn't matter if you hurt yourself.
I hate admitting it, but I have stroked myself with a pin, and it led to almost making myself bleed. My reason was different than reassurance - I did it because I thought physical pain would feel better than emotional pain. It was like my get-away from the emotional pain, I didn't want to feel it so I put myself through physical pain instead. It hurt, it stung, and it was kind of scary, yet, it felt good in a way, because it felt better than all the other hurt I was going through. I did feel guilty afterwards because I knew God couldn't have been very happy with me.
1 Corinthians 16-20: Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
So, in other words, God wants us to be Holy and take care of our bodies because we were made as an image of Christ. Would Jesus cut himself? No. Would Jesus cause any self-harm? No. Would Jesus feel that no one cares about Him? No. Do you think Jesus ever thinks, "I'm not good enough" or "What's the point"? No. Jesus was mocked, and even though He was perfect, He still had to go through the Devil's temptations, but He didn't do anything self-harming. Jesus wants us to be like Him. That doesn't mean it's not going to be hard for some people to stop cutting themselves, because once you're in the habit, it's hard to break it. But God can get you through anything.
I want to know anyone's thoughts or opinions.. is it smart? Does it really help the pain?
Self-harm - as in, well, cutting yourself. First question: Would you consider it "cutting" if you just scrape yourself with a pin or thumb tac or something? What if you don't draw any blood? What if you don't use a knife?
I also want to know why people do it, and I'm not saying I'm against them because I'm a very understanding person, and nowadays, I can see why people do it. Most people who cut themselves have been through some kind of abuse - whether it be physical, emotional, sexual, or even spiritual. My mom went through all the abuse that I just mentioned, and she slit her wrists. I asked her why she did it and this is what she said.. does this relate to anyone?:
She said when you're going through emotional pain, cutting yourself and feeling pain is like reassuring yourself that you can still 'feel'. Some people use the word "Numb" to describe how they feel, so they take that numbness away by causing themselves pain that they can feel. I've often asked myself through many situations, "Is this real? Am I really feeling this pain?" Although I've never thought about cutting myself, because I was young and I didn't really understand the concept of it. I used to think, "Why on EARTH would anyone do that to themselves??"
But I know that feeling of 'I'm not good enough' and 'why does it matter, nobody cares so why should I care' and because of those feelings, you just feel like it doesn't matter if you hurt yourself.I hate admitting it, but I have stroked myself with a pin, and it led to almost making myself bleed. My reason was different than reassurance - I did it because I thought physical pain would feel better than emotional pain. It was like my get-away from the emotional pain, I didn't want to feel it so I put myself through physical pain instead. It hurt, it stung, and it was kind of scary, yet, it felt good in a way, because it felt better than all the other hurt I was going through. I did feel guilty afterwards because I knew God couldn't have been very happy with me.
1 Corinthians 16-20: Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
So, in other words, God wants us to be Holy and take care of our bodies because we were made as an image of Christ. Would Jesus cut himself? No. Would Jesus cause any self-harm? No. Would Jesus feel that no one cares about Him? No. Do you think Jesus ever thinks, "I'm not good enough" or "What's the point"? No. Jesus was mocked, and even though He was perfect, He still had to go through the Devil's temptations, but He didn't do anything self-harming. Jesus wants us to be like Him. That doesn't mean it's not going to be hard for some people to stop cutting themselves, because once you're in the habit, it's hard to break it. But God can get you through anything.
I want to know anyone's thoughts or opinions.. is it smart? Does it really help the pain?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Past, Present, and the Future
Being a Kat is like, well, being a cat. You're curious about the world around you, and sometimes that curiousity can lead to trouble. Believe me, I would know.
I was born here in Minnesota, and all but 2 years of my life was spent here. The 2 years I wasn't here, I was in Arkansas living with my grandma. I lived a pretty average life.. when I was 7, my little sister Alexandra was born, and 11 months after that, my little brother Robert was born. After they were born, we moved constantly, and it was only to different apartment complexes. We stayed at one complex for 4 years, but it had only 2 bedrooms, and we had a minimum of 2 cats every year (our last year there, we ended up with 4 cats). So it was tough. The house that we're currently living in is the first house we've ever lived in as a family (grandma's house doesn't really count). It's wonderful having 4 bedrooms and a huge backyard, and we even have a little lake across the street. We still have our 4 cats: Dipstick, Hottie, Tango, and our newest one, Bobo (who is my cat). Bobo we got a year ago after Sasha passed away. He is also the cat that was always claimed to be a girl until we found out a few months ago that he is a boy. And when I named him Bobo, I was not aware that his name means 'penis' in French. Well, all I have to say is, it's a good thing he's NOT a girl..
Anyways, my life has changed drastically in the past month. My boyfriend Karl and I broke up after being together for almost a year (April 11th would be our annivarsary), but we're still best friends. The thing is, our relationship is what most people would call an "online relationship", because we met online. It seems so much more than an online relationship though, we connect in such a way that can't even be described. And it is more than just an online relationship because we talk on the phone, also. Anyways, he lives in Georgia, but we met on a Christian website and after getting to know each other, we felt that God wanted us to be together. So we tried it and everything went great. Right now, we're taking a break only because we realize how hard it is to not see each other, touch each other, be near each other, or spend real time together. We wanted (and still want) to meet each other, but it would still be hard for us because we would only be able to see each other once a year (until I turn 18, or if he decides to move up here - he's 18). Even though we still talk and we still care about each other, this has been a really painful experience for me. It makes me realize how much I love him and how much I just want to be with him. His mom and my mom get along really well, and they've gained quite a friendship over the months, and in September, we're going to meet Karl's parents. We will all be staying at a hotel in Wisconsin, and might I add, it is a BEAUTIFUL hotel! I'm so phsyced, and I absolutely love Karl's mom.. even though I don't know for sure if she will be my mother-in-law one day, I still look to her as a second mom. She is so amazing. I don't know if Karl will be at the hotel, because him and his parents have been on really bad terms lately, and he's convinced that he doesn't want to take any days off work. I do hope he changes his mind, because we're not going to know for sure if we really are/were in love unless we meet and we're able to hug and kiss and all that. Right now, I'm just taking things one day at a time. This is a hard process but it's also a lesson that I really needed to learn.
I know this all sounds so crazy, but I guess you would have to be me to fully understand it. Life is a mystery and all we can do is let God take care of everything. After all, we don't know the future, so let's leave it up to The One who does know the future. Even being a strong Christian, I still question God and don't always understand the things He does, but I know He has something in store for me, I just need to watch my steps and trust Him. Times like this, that's all I can do.
I was born here in Minnesota, and all but 2 years of my life was spent here. The 2 years I wasn't here, I was in Arkansas living with my grandma. I lived a pretty average life.. when I was 7, my little sister Alexandra was born, and 11 months after that, my little brother Robert was born. After they were born, we moved constantly, and it was only to different apartment complexes. We stayed at one complex for 4 years, but it had only 2 bedrooms, and we had a minimum of 2 cats every year (our last year there, we ended up with 4 cats). So it was tough. The house that we're currently living in is the first house we've ever lived in as a family (grandma's house doesn't really count). It's wonderful having 4 bedrooms and a huge backyard, and we even have a little lake across the street. We still have our 4 cats: Dipstick, Hottie, Tango, and our newest one, Bobo (who is my cat). Bobo we got a year ago after Sasha passed away. He is also the cat that was always claimed to be a girl until we found out a few months ago that he is a boy. And when I named him Bobo, I was not aware that his name means 'penis' in French. Well, all I have to say is, it's a good thing he's NOT a girl..
Anyways, my life has changed drastically in the past month. My boyfriend Karl and I broke up after being together for almost a year (April 11th would be our annivarsary), but we're still best friends. The thing is, our relationship is what most people would call an "online relationship", because we met online. It seems so much more than an online relationship though, we connect in such a way that can't even be described. And it is more than just an online relationship because we talk on the phone, also. Anyways, he lives in Georgia, but we met on a Christian website and after getting to know each other, we felt that God wanted us to be together. So we tried it and everything went great. Right now, we're taking a break only because we realize how hard it is to not see each other, touch each other, be near each other, or spend real time together. We wanted (and still want) to meet each other, but it would still be hard for us because we would only be able to see each other once a year (until I turn 18, or if he decides to move up here - he's 18). Even though we still talk and we still care about each other, this has been a really painful experience for me. It makes me realize how much I love him and how much I just want to be with him. His mom and my mom get along really well, and they've gained quite a friendship over the months, and in September, we're going to meet Karl's parents. We will all be staying at a hotel in Wisconsin, and might I add, it is a BEAUTIFUL hotel! I'm so phsyced, and I absolutely love Karl's mom.. even though I don't know for sure if she will be my mother-in-law one day, I still look to her as a second mom. She is so amazing. I don't know if Karl will be at the hotel, because him and his parents have been on really bad terms lately, and he's convinced that he doesn't want to take any days off work. I do hope he changes his mind, because we're not going to know for sure if we really are/were in love unless we meet and we're able to hug and kiss and all that. Right now, I'm just taking things one day at a time. This is a hard process but it's also a lesson that I really needed to learn.
I know this all sounds so crazy, but I guess you would have to be me to fully understand it. Life is a mystery and all we can do is let God take care of everything. After all, we don't know the future, so let's leave it up to The One who does know the future. Even being a strong Christian, I still question God and don't always understand the things He does, but I know He has something in store for me, I just need to watch my steps and trust Him. Times like this, that's all I can do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)